• Personal,  Thoughts,  Uncategorised

    Shadows of Pain | Depression

    Smiling. Laughing. Denying. Hiding the pain. It’s so easy to think you know someone by just meeting them every once in a while. It’s so easy to judge what you can never figure out unless you were in my shoes. The pain I once thought would go away when I’m an adult is still here. Some weeks I can hear it knocking on my door, loud and clear, but most weeks I’m able to suppress it. So no one will hear. See. Or can tell. Aren’t we all just wearing masks in life?

    Breathe in deeper. Forget. Start over. Meditate. Overcome the darkness hanging over me like a cloud. Why can’t this dark cloud go away? Always one step forward and two steps back. Smile. Laugh. No one will ever tell. The shadows that haunt me.

    Falling into a deep well. So dark in here. Is there any point of coming up to the surface? Will you all be there? Why? No one to trust. They’ll all fade away. Won’t come back. Is this enough? The sighs outweigh the will. Carry on. The will to carry on.

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    The most beautiful people

    The most beautiful people you’ll ever meet aren’t always the ones who catch your eyes first. No, the most beautiful are the ones that can never be figured out. The ones you could talk with for many hours and still have a million things to ask. The people who have minds so lovely and special, you can’t help but to love them endlessly.

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    4:30am, I’m awake again..

    It’s been 10 years and this song is still very dear to me. Above and Beyond – Can’t Sleep. It has a depth to it that is hard to explain, it’s not a normal radio trance song that is lacking soul and emotion. The melody, the transition and the lyrics – all melt together to an amazing and beautiful track. If you haven’t heard it, or don’t listen to trance, which I don’t do much anymore, still, give it a try – it’s worth it. Some of the lyrics are posted below together with a link to the track on Youtube.

    Peace and Love,


    Four thirty A.M, I’m awake again
    Singing to the dark through open eyes
    While dreaming I see only you and me
    Stuck between desire and compromise

    If I said I want you back I’d be a liar
    There’s nothing left of us to long for anymore
    But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
    And every night I can’t help reaching out for more

    And I can’t sleep… You’re so far away from me

    You’re leaving me scars scattered in my heart
    A road map of all the places you have been
    And I can’t escape, can’t wash this away
    Love has burned your mark so deep within


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    When December ends…

    My new favourite song to listen to!

    Lyrics to this amazing track called December from the new Assemblage 23 album ‘Endure’:

    In the passing light,
    Silent and alone
    Trying to make sense,
    A fate now set in stone
    There’s never enough time
    Somehow it isn’t fair
    Sprinting towards the finish,
    Running out of air
    When December ends

    When December ends,
    At last, you will be free
    Unbound from earthly plight,
    Unfettered by disease
    When December ends,
    The pain disappears
    Worries all behind you
    No more suffering or fear

    Everyday is pain
    A dull narcotic haze
    Brief moments of awareness
    Losing track of days
    The world seems so dim
    As faculties decline
    Your body, just a prison,
    To trap your mind inside


    When the moment came
    A tear fell from your eye
    Your senses overwhelmed
    A beauty undefied
    Weightless and complete
    Some sense of ease
    May your spirit carry on,
    As the wind shakes the trees


    When December ends…

  • Uncategorised

    Young and Beautiful

    I rarely listen to new pop music, but this song really got stuck in my heart. It’s so beautiful, I love the instrumental tunes, lyrics and her sweet voice. I heard a guy singing this in Swedish Idol last night and he was also pretty good, but when I heard this original afterwards it was of course even more magnificent. This song makes me want to sing a cover of it and have it recorded… It’s bittersweet and actually quite romantic as well, even though the melody makes me think of a sad song. Check it out below if you haven’t heard it before.

    Link to Spotify: Lana Del Rey – Young And Beautiful

    Link to Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_1aF54DO60


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    A journey to open my eyes

    I have returned back home from the trip to India. It has been a long journey both mentally and physically for me. I have a lot of things to reflect on after this journey so I can come to peace with my thoughts that were in chaos while I was there. It is very hard to keep the mind focused when in a country like India, where everything happens simultaneously and the noises are high from the people and the traffic. There is barely any room to think a quiet thought.

    While we travelled in car from Delhi to Agra, Agra to Jaipur and Jaipur to Delhi, those were my moments when I could listen to my iPod and just let my mind wander. Think about everything new I was observing and try to reflect on how life in India must be for people I saw outside of my window. How different things are on the other side of the world from where I grew up.
    Last time, 10 years ago, I just followed whatever we did or didn’t do while being there. This time I knew it would be more special, since I’m grown up and can perceive the world from different eyes today.
    I’ve changed in just three weeks. Grown. Things are not the same anymore, for me.
    We all grow and change every day, but while travelling and while reflecting and philosophising meanwhile, I believe we grow even faster, mentally. This was a journey that was the key to understanding and accepting my heritage. It’s one of those journeys that people who have been brought up in two cultures would understand the meaning of. It’s very important to remember who you are, and where you are from. That is what creates a good base for the future. I believe that this journey was exactly what I needed to understand India and Indian people more. I’m grateful.


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    India – A whole different world

    India is like a different world in itself. Everyone do as they please and create their own rules as they move along. Traffic can be chaotic but it looks as if they have it under control. I just look like a lost person trying to get across the street when I’ve been thinking the opposite. I look around me and I see people who believe. They believe in their life, they believe in God, they have faith that things get better.
    It’s very different for me to visit India since it isn’t at all alike what I’ve grown up with. Am I the one who is spoiled or do we just have to wait a few generations for India to catch up with the west? What is the best? To have it all but forget how to appreciate it? Or is it to embrace all good in life and give back to society in any way you can. Try to be someone who wants a change in this world. I want a world which is free from poverty. I want people to share their love and resources in a better way. I still believe…too.

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    Towards Jaipur by car

    Sitting and listening to my ipod while everyone else are sleeping in the car. While we visited a fort on the way to Jaipur the guide told us that it was 48 degrees. I can’t believe how people can live in this type of sauna heat.
    While we travel by car sometimes I see beggars on the roads when in small towns we pass. I can’t help but to feel that I want to save them all from this. But of course I can’t. I feel sad that so large part of my home country lives in poverty. Just because the higher class has it good it seems like they neglect the less fortunate. It’s the higher classes that are able to enjoy themselves in this country. Because it takes a lot to get good standard on things around here.
    We’re living in four to five star hotels here. So far tried two in Delhi and Agra. It’s very clean and properly maintained. They provide excellent service at these hotels. In Agra we stayed in a more traditional hotel (Grand Imperial) but it was the nicest so far. There was a beautiful swimming pool there that would have been so nice to try out in this heat but I forgot my bikini back home in Sweden. Not the easiest thing to find stuff to buy the first days here.
    We walked around in Delhi a bit the first day and I felt that the traffic is so crazy and chaotic. Very hard to pass a street if there are places without traffic lights, I ran to avoid being hit by something. I got a bit panicked there for a few, but people seem to be able to get around here without problem so I guess it has to do with practice.
    In some ways I blend in the crowd but most of the times people stare at me here because they can probably tell the difference. Especially the guys… No need to get me started on that topic. Needs a totally separate post for that.