• Dreams,  Thoughts

    Memories and Connections – Lost forever?

    The connection and understanding between two people can only ever be known by those two persons. I have contemplated over the memories and shared moments between two people, what happens to them over time? What happens if one passes away, do the memories die with them? What happens if one loses the memory? Where do they go? Do the memories even make sense to anyone else but to the people sharing them? Is that the reason why we would want to create art and creations to capture the soul of the people around us? To honour the connections between souls. I don’t know. I just know that I cherish each moment with every single soul in my life that I share a pure connection with, and I hope that we are able to hold on to the memories the day they’re only left with one soul.

    Photos, Album, Old, Photo Album, Photographer, Memory

  • Dreams,  Inspiration,  Personal

    Intensive Driving Course 2020 | Göteborg, Sweden

    Driving. It’s a skill one must learn to really know what it means to be free. Completely free to travel anywhere and anytime. The journey towards taking the license in Sweden has been a long and bumpy road since 2012. I kept on pushing myself to overcome my struggles with eyesight after laser surgery to finally be on the final road to actually taking the license. It’s never going to be too late. There have been people in ages ranging from 18 to 55 in my classes. You learn about yourself and how you react to certain situations and stress while doing the intensive driving classes. Let’s dig deep into what it meant for me, especially to be back in my hometown Göteborg on the West coast of Sweden to drive everyday for two weeks. It’s not only been fun to drive, it’s been challenging, strengthening, exciting but also melancholic. Let get into why.

    The driving school is close to where my parents live, it’s the same neighborhood I have grown up in and lived in up until I was 19. The classes started with a session where I was to show my current skills in driving so we started off at a parking lot and drove out onto the roads in the area. It went pretty fine from the get go. I only needed to adjust to a new car which I wasn’t used to drive in. A Volvo XC40, Diesel. Much easier to find the pull position and the different gears were also easier to adapt to. This is the car I will use on the day of my driving test, which is currently dated to 7th of September. If all goes well and I pass the other practical and theoretical tests I will go on and do the test in Sept.

    When driving through every single street of where I grew up and close to each of my three first schools was more emotional and affecting me more than I had expected to. I only chose to drive with this school and this area because it’s convenient and close to home when I stay in Göteborg, little did I know that it was going to take me on a journey down the memories and feelings of the past. The further into the first week we got, the more we started to drive downtown and in areas I hadn’t been to in years, since I last lived in this city. We were joking about the fact that I am sightseeing by car in my own town and it was really a much nicer experience to drive this course than I could have ever imagined. I thought it would only be difficult and hard, but it’s been equally as rewarding for my mental health. Pushing myself when there have been some days when things started turning backwards and not going as I thought, how you learn to let go of mistakes you do while driving so it doesn’t affect the rest of the driving. The most impressive thing was how the driving instructor without knowing was able to know how I was struggling with letting go and putting way too high expectations on myself which were causing unnecessary hurdles that I needed to crush before I can succeed. He would sometimes just tell me when I went quiet and didn’t say a word, “just let go of that bad past experience, I can see that you’re going over it in your head and it will affect your driving, just let it go.”
    It was amazing to see how someone is able to read me so well without knowing me.

    Redwood National Park, California, Landscape, Scenic

    Towards the end of the driving course there were just a couple of incidents where I wasn’t always able to think of all the different things at the same time. Driving into a highway where the roads are merging and I need to get into one of the lanes while there’s already traffic on the road and coming in with a speed of 70 km/h. I almost crashed into a car because everyone kept changing their lane at that spot and things were happening too fast at a very fast speed. I kept on being hard on myself after that and wasn’t able to let it go as fast as the other things, so I had to take a deep breath, keep driving and talk about other things to take my mind off it. He was telling me that I need to stop expecting myself to become a perfect driver and that I am putting these super ambitious expectations that no one can meet on myself. I felt as if he saw through so many of my past struggles that I have been through, not only in this situation but also when I study or work. I just needed to be more nice towards myself and what I have already accomplished. Every time he asked me how I felt it has gone today with the driving I was always critical over the tiniest things.

    All in all, after two weeks my skills are on a level where I only need to drive more on my own at home for some weeks to let it all sink in. Hopefully I will get to the level which is required for a final practical test in the beginning of September. Let’s keep fingers crossed!

    Peace and Love,
    Kimmi Sandhu

    Road, Utah, Rocks, Wanderlust, Travel, Roadtrip

  • Personal,  Spirituality

    Inner Child Healing

    This morning I chose to meditate on healing my inner child. I had found a fitting meditation more than a year ago on Youtube and added it to my meditation playlist but I hadn’t had the right feeling to want to listen to it. Today was the day. Something pulled me in and made me click on it today. I was uncomfortable at first, because I didn’t know what was awaiting. The need for control in the situation tried to pull me in and hinder me from going ahead, but I pulled through. I took a deep breath and lay down. It was 6:15am and I had willingly gone up early during these times despite not needing to. I feel as though waking up early really makes you want to care for your inner self and take things slowly in the morning. Before everything is about work and must-dos. You can just listen inwards and take a while to meditate and have a slow breakfast in silence. Before the world wakes up.

    While I was meditating there was a section where I was introduced to my 3-year old self. I met her in the corridors inside a giant mountain in a peaceful world. She looked up at me and wanted me to hold her. Lift her up and comfort her. Tell her that everything is going to be alright. It was as if a very sensitive button had been pushed right at that moment, because my tears started to flow and I found myself crying and finding the whole situation incredibly sad and the built up emotions boiled over. I struggled my way back to the present and the breathing techniques to get back to meditation. I find that this type of meditation seem to have this impact because I need to heal this side of myself, I need to focus more attention on my childlike self. Don’t forget her. Comfort her. Get to know her needs.

    Peace and Love,
    Kimmi Sandhu

    Meditation
    Inner Child Guided Meditation
  • travel

    Landing in India

    The flight is due to land at Indira Gandhi airport of New Delhi and the plane is travelling across the large city, passing through the thick layer of clouds, smog and pollution. When the plane is close to landing, the whole large metal cylinder is filled with a familiar smell or scent of India, something that others might find repulsive. But to me it’s filled with memories, emotions and a touch of belonging. Tears are filled up in my eyes when the plane hits the ground. I’m home. Once again.

    The hotel we stayed at isn’t worth mentioning due to the overall experience wasn’t all too well, but there were some highlights of the service level and staff that is worth mentioning. The two nights in Delhi were a good touch-down base before our onward departuring to Punjab. You get a moment of acclimatising to the Indian climate, food and the senses get hightened. 

    I have been writing a lot through the years about belonging and identity since it has always been a struggle for me, being born in Sweden and having roots from such a colourful culture that is India. The clash between these two extreme worlds has been both a blessing and a curse, since it has opened me up to so much inner personal development I never would have been striving for if it weren’t for being torn in two directions. I have previously written about being a TCK in a world of being around people that have almost no other mixed background, which makes you feel different and strange from time to time. When I during the recent years found myself searching more inwards in my own identity crisis and started to accept that I am fine the way I am, both Swedish and Indian, I was able to grow strength to be able to tell my story. I felt for the first time that I was able to connect with other people that have a similar background, and my creativity became more heightened. 

    The last day at the Delhi hotel, we ate dinner in the restaurant at the hotel to be a bit more convenient and also to not have to rush around in Delhi traffic at that hour. No matter if we choose to or not, we eventually adapt to eating at Indian times, which is quite different than dining times in Sweden. Back home in Sweden one would eat dinner at 6-7 pm and lunch at 11-12 am. When we’re in India the dinner times are around 8-9pm and lunch around 1-2pm. I think it might be due to the fact that people go to work a little later on and leave later, which makes the whole day shift a few hours.
    When we were dining at 8 pm at the hotel, the waiter asked us if we were from Sweden since he could see it in our booking. Obviously he could tell we had some sort of Indian (desi) background so he asked if we were here for the first time. I responded, no we’ve been here many times before since our background is from Punjab. He asked if we were born here or in Sweden, and this is where things would have been confusing if I were to trust my past experiences of being put in a box. His response to us being born in Sweden, was the sweetest I have received in India in a long time. He said, then you’re just as much Indian as you are Swedish and he smiled and giggled a bit. I agreed and he went on to talk to other guests in the restaurant. He probably didn’t know what that sentence meant to me, how much it meant that someone would acknowledge us as being part of this society and still be able to keep the other identity. He truly saw our Indian soul. We didn’t have to feel torn and puzzled between the two cultures. Not being forced to choose when someone asks us which one we consider our home, or which one we like the most. There can never be a clear answer to that question, I am always searching, and the more I search, the more questions I get. 

    The best part of being born in two cultures is the richness it gives to my life, to be able to live a life with both influences on a day to day basis. To be able to pick and choose (most of the times) what we like with each culture and keep those aspects in our life for the next generation. Coming to India annually means much more to me than can be put into words, it can never be explained, the emotions that run through my body when I land 7000 km away from Sweden. Despite being more restricted to do exactly what I want as a woman, to come and go at any hour, and having difficulties adapting to the lifestyle here; I still feel more alive and free. There’s a freedom and acceptance in the air in India one cannot find anywhere else. I might be biased, but that’s my truth. 

    Sat Sri Akal, Namaste, Peace and Love,
    Kimmi Madeline

  • Poetry,  Writing

    Poem: Memory Lane

    It’s hard to be stuck in a moment

    In between memory lane

    Thoughts and dreams go hand in hand

    Come on in and open your heart

    I just want to see the smile

    One more time.

    Years pass us by in an instant

    We never look back and question why

    Always running forward to the future

    Just stop and breathe

    Why the rush

    We can catch up soon enough

    Eventually.

    Peace and Love,

    Kimmi Sandhu

    Instagram: moon_over_mumbai

  • Poetry,  Writing

    Poem: Lifetime of emotion

    I’m wide awake and dreaming
    It’s 4.30 am and you’re sleeping
    World is spinning ’round
    In my lucid dream
    I can hear your voice
    Calling out my name
    One last time.

    In this endless moonless night
    Where dreams have stopped
    Eyes wide open
    Longing for relief
    Open wounds in my soul
    Will they ever melt away?

    Overcome and overrun
    By memory of forgotten pain
    Drowning, in a never-ending ocean
    Tears shed, for a lifetime of emotion
    Always here, always near.

    Peace and Love,
    Kimmi Madeline

    “I own my story. No one else”

    Instagram: moon_over_mumbai

  • Poetry,  Writing

    Poem: In the vaccum of truth

    Poem from: unknown date in 2010.

    There is a flow of emotions
    Floating through the room
    In the vaccum of truth,
    A moment of silence
    Where there is no suffering
    And the air is clear and light
    I still walk around with this halo
    On top of my head
    Since the day I found purpose,
    Since the day I found you

    -Kimmi Madeline

    Instagram: moon_over_mumbai

  • Poetry,  Writing

    Poem: Bittersweet Love Story

    Poem from: 2012-02-05

    The heart is breathing again
    My lungs are pumping again
    I can sense a scent of joy
    When your face is in the reach
    Filling me; piece by piece
    Reminding me; day by day
    How loving it is
    to have you near
    A touch of love
    is all so dear

    Warm tingling feeling
    It’s taking over me
    Beats synchronize
    to the harmony
    of love and peace
    They tune in for
    Days to come
    Nights to feel
    A bittersweet love story

    -Kimmi Madeline

    Instagram: moon_over_mumbai

  • Personal,  Thoughts,  travel,  Writing

    Mumbai Dreams…

    It’s been 2 ½ weeks since we came back from India this time around. The India fever has been running high ever since I came back home, been binge-watching Hindi films during these past few weeks to try to grasp for the last few straws of India that I had left in me from the trip. Why do I feel this way these days? Am I making up for all those years when I didn’t feel that I belonged neither here or there? Am I getting more sentimental with time, more than I already am? I don’t have an answer to all these questions, all I know is that writing has been my only saviour; it helps me cope with my complicated and scattered emotions about belonging.

    I just started reading the book The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri and have also watched the film by Mira Nair based on the same novel. That film hit a spot in my heart and I can’t help but to cry tears of recognition and melancholy. The pain and the suffering is too close to heart. Writing these words after watching the film, aren’t written without a tear in my eyes. At least they clean the vision and hopefully I can see clearly now what I have long wanted to see. Me and who I truly am. There’s never been a need to pretend but I didn’t realise that when I was younger. You don’t have to try to fit in when you know you don’t. Being unique is what is best.

    Ever since the second day of visiting Mumbai in November, I knew that I had found my missing piece of inspiration. My long lost inspiration for writing my story, my book. I found it again, in the heart of Mumbai. I could see the waves coming into the shore and we were driving by the south side of Mumbai, feeling the breeze from the opened window. My hair was getting messy in the wind, but I didn’t mind at all, I felt at peace. I knew I had found my way back, to my core. I think that’s why I have had my “identity crisis” with the endless watching of Hindi films, trying to see if I can relate to any of it. I don’t feel the need to relate anymore, I already know what was missing all along. My acceptance.

    Peace and Love,
    Kimmi Niroopinder Madeline